Governor Who?

"Mr. Safe Bathrooms"

In light of recent events, Sandie reminded me of the regrettably short-lived Sports Night, that aired on ABC from 1998 to 2000. One of the most memorable scenes was when Jeremy tried to break up with Natalie (You can watch it here):

Jeremy: We need to stop seeing each other.

Natalie: No.

Jeremy: Wait! I break up with you!

Natalie: Not this time. No. I gotta go back to work.

Jeremy: This is unilateral! I don’t need you to sign off on this in order for it to be valid!

Natalie: Sweetie, if it makes you feel better to break up with me, that’s fine, but I don’t break up with you.

Jeremy: IT DOEN’T WORK LIKE THAT!

Natalie: It’s working like that right now.

Now, just imagine that Jermey is the voters of North Carolina, and Natalie is the current Governor.

Voters: We need to stop seeing each other.

McCrory: No.

I was trying to explain this yesterday to my eldest daughter, who has lived her entire life in California, mostly.

Me: So, we have a Republican Governor who refuses to leave office.

Kelly: What do you mean?

Me: Well, his Democratic opponent has won the election. The Democrat currently is leading by more than 10,000 votes, which means that there will be no automatic statewide recount - the Democrat’s the outright winner.

Kelly: And?

Me: And the current Governor refuses to concede. He’d dug in his heels and crossed his arms and pouted. He won’t leave.

Kelly: How can he do that?

Me: He claims, with not one scintilla of evidence, that there was widespread fraud. The boards of election have pretty much refused to submit the recounts he’s requested. He finally persuaded the state board (a Republican majority, as are they all) to force a recount in Durham. Because, Durham, 50% people of color, voted for every Democratic President since 1869, so, sure.

Kelly: So what if he doesn’t leave. Won’t someone force him to go?

Me: Who would do that?

Kelly: What about the legislature?

Me: They’re firmly Republican. All in his pocket.

I am frankly tickled by all of this. A barricaded suspect at the Governor’s Manse. Weeping and shrieking at the help, holding up his petticoats and running in small circles. Some hostage negotiator needs to get on the phone and find out his demands.

I get how he feels. Here he is, boss of a fully gerrymandered Red Southern State, a state that retained it’s do-nothing big business Republican Senator and voted for the Orange Monkey for President, and somehow, despite all that, McCrory managed to lose the Governor’s race. The fix was in, see, but somehow it didn’t work. Kelly wanted to know why.

“Because,” I told her. “McCrory backed some stupid legislation - you’ve heard of it: HB2, the so-called ‘bathroom bill.’ As usual, he had plenty of support. This state is rich with people who love their Jesus and hate their queers. Plus, we’ve got the KKK and a long history of Neo-fascism. The problem was, the bill had some unexpected consequences. In response to a conflict between HB2 and federal law, the NCAA threatened to pull their tournaments from North Carolina.

“Now, the unifying force, the one thing on which we all agree, the common ground that allows us to go on as a semi-civilized people, is our goddamned college basketball. You do not fuck with our basketball. When McCrory refused to back down from HB2 after the NCAA said they would pull their tournaments, he might as well have slit his wrists. There was a collective gasp of horror as the governor wedged his head firmly up his backside and let the NCAA leave.“ 

Well, that’s the news from North Carolina. Stay tuned on Monday, as Durham completes the required recount. Is there new chicanery afoot? Will Durham turn magically red? Will the Governor run to the bathroom and lock the door? Swoon with the vapors? Will the Bundy Militia arrive in time to save the day? We can hardly wait.